![]() ![]() So at this point, if you’ve identified the real problem and you’ve communicated it to them in a healthy, mature way and they’re on board to work on it with you, then great-I say stick with it and see if you can work things out.Ī lot of people give up too easily at this point. So leave the scorecard at home and focus on listening. We always think we’re right, even when we’re not. Because a) it doesn’t matter, and b) you’re never going to tally things up in such a way that you lose. Don’t “tally” up who was the bigger asshole. Don’t bring up past issues when trying to solve current issues. Yes, one person might be more responsible than the other for current problems in a relationship, but pointing that out just to win “points” is hardly going to make things better. Even if lying and cheating were involved, chances are the liar/cheater was not happy about a lot of things that drove them to do that. There are always two sides of any relationship problem. Related to the above point, it almost never really matters whose fault it is. It’s best to just stick to what’s bothering you and what you can both do about it. 6 As soon as you start attacking someone personally, things spin out of control quickly and it’s really hard to have a productive conversation that addresses the real conflict. That’s why it’s critical that you focus specifically on the problem at hand and hold back any judgments or attacks on their character. 5Ī lot of times, your partner’s intentions aren’t as clear-cut as you see them and/or they don’t even know there’s something wrong. ![]() This is a natural thing to do, 4 but it can get us into trouble when our interpretations of someone’s behavior lead us to attack their character. We draw these conclusions about our partner’s character based on their behavior and then personalize it by trying to figure out what it means for us. Relationships have a way of making us see everything in very personal terms. 2 So when it comes to communicating your grievances in a relationship, here are a couple of rules to follow: 3 1. It’s no secret that healthy communication is crucial for any relationship, but it’s still an underdeveloped skill for a lot of people. But they can’t help you fix it if they don’t know exactly why you’re not happy in the first place. And in order to do that, you have to give the other person a chance to help you fix it. The key to solving these problems is that both you and the other person need to be willing to work on whatever bone is stuck in your relationship’s craw. Why does he/she drive you nuts when they get up early in the morning? Why does their mother drive you insane? Start searching for the reasons within yourself, the deeper values informing the emotions, and then you can address those issues with your partner directly. Understand why you are upset or frustrated with your partner. ![]() 1Īs always, the first step to a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship with yourself. They resent their partner for deep and vague reasons, but because they can’t clarify why they feel that way themselves, they’re never able to communicate it to their partner. People are particularly bad at zeroing in on what the issue actually is. Shit that we are not addressing when we argue about toothpaste. We’re actually mad about a bunch of other shit. The fact of the matter is that we’re never just mad about the toothpaste. Toothpaste! And we were practically screaming at each other. I remember one of my ex-girlfriends and I got in a huge fight about toothpaste. A lot of people in bad relationships find themselves fighting over seemingly innocuous and stupid things.
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